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Bad runs and the beast

Hi Y'all

Today on my long run the love of my life went with me riding his bike. He knows me like nobody else does and sometimes, honestly, I can be hard to handle. A real handful. Especially when I feel like my body isn't working with me but against me. Today was not good. The wind picked up to storm level Dutch style and I ran my normal route for a 10km run which meant I had to run upwind the first 3.5 km and nothing worked. My body kicked, screamed, cried and put up a real fight. It is runs like these where at a certain point I notice now that I am fighting myself. Not the elements, not my husband who clearly has nothing to do with the bad weather, not a literal rock in my shoe, not the stomach acid that went along for the ride but ME. I am fighting me. And I am absolutely horrible to be around when I'm fighting myself. I say the most horrible things about myself to myself outloud and in a way that is absolutely devastating to hear.




The good news is that nowadays I actually realize I'm doing it and I figured out it isn't helpful at all. On the contrary even. It breaks you apart and leaves you broken and defeated and feeling low. It took me a long time to realize that each time you gut yourself to the core it leaves a mark and at one point those marks become scars and those scars end up in your brain. Hardwiring you to believe all the bad things you say to yourself. A few of my favorites: You fat, ugly, stupid, good for nothing, dumb girl. What the hell are you doing? You can't nor will never ever be capable of anything let alone run a...variable X....km run. You suck. Look at yourself. Out of breath, overweight and seriously too ugly fo anyone to be liked. Aweful right? And yet...each time I end up at the back of the line in bootcamp or out of breath at  a long run this is what is so hardwired into my brain that it happens. The beast gets out. How do you fight this?



This is my strategy: first of all I accept the fact that  I am doing it again. There is no use in adding anger about that to the list of crap I am already dumping on myself, than I accept the fact that I'm having a hard time and I let that feeling just be for what it is. I am having a hard time and that is okay. Running isn't always easy, victorious and you shining with a medal in your hand feeling proud of what you did. Sometimes you have a hard time and there is nothing wrong with that. Finally I try to lean into that feeling and let go of the anger that is targeted towards me. That last part is the hardest to do so today it really helped to tell the love of my life what I was going through and he just let me be. We finished the 10km run in 1 hour and 15 minutes and you know what? Today just overcoming myself was enough.

Ultimately running is about being true to the best version of the you that you can be. Sometimes running is hard, painful and sometimes it will even make you feel upset, frustrated or sad. Just remember that you went out there. You have taken the time to be the best version of you that you can be. And that is just sheer awesomeness!



Until we read again, as always
Love Marlies

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