The divide

Hi y'all

Even in Spain donations on my fundraiser page keep coming in. I am overwhelmed by the immensity of the heartfelt messages our family gets. It is heartbreaking to see how many people deeply care for us all and even though research data will not come in time to save my mother, all of your donations will one day save someone. You are making this happen and I can't stress enough what that means to us all.
While training in the mountains I tried to let go of concerns, pain, anger and frustrations. I had hoped that being out here in the rough and beautiful sierra's would clear my mind a little. It didn't. I felt more sad and not in touch with my family than I have ever felt before. Without the distractions of my family WhatsApp I missed my family more than ever and the complete lack of coverage only made the longing for some updates from my mom and the rest even worse.

Don't get me wrong: there have been some truely spectaculair runs,  amazing views and memorable moments. I love watching the love of my life walking alongside of his mother and talking with his dad over breakfast. It is so good to see him having a good time and being able to enjoy time with his family. Especially since his parents are in Spain for about 5 months each year. It is so great to see how my inlaws have build a life here in Spain. 

And yet all I could think of were all the things I'll never get to do with my mom now or ever again. It made me miss her like crazy. I have always been one phone call away from her but running out here made me realize that those days are over. Talking to my mom over the phone gets harder each day because ALS makes her speach impared. I didn't want to talk about my mom. I wanted to talk with her. It crushed me that due to bad coverage and the ALS this wasn't an option. It filled my heart with love and crushed me at the same time to see my love having a good time with his parents because I will never have times like that again. Climbing mountains or just a normal talk over breakfast. This beautiful life we have here will go on without my mom and my life will never be the same.  

So here is what I would like y'all to do:  Do not talk about your dreams and wishes to me like they are something you one day wish to accomplish. Live your life now,  start working on your goals now.  Tomorrow might not be there.

Do not talk to me about all the things that you can't do but talk to me about the things you can do and are doing that make your life worthwhile. Do not tell me how sad you are about my mom because I can see the truth in your eyes so I don't need your words. Talk to me about the things you love about my mom. Your grieve is based on how well you actually know her. Talk to me about why she brings out your smile but more importantly: tell her. 

Talk to me about what inspires you now. Talk to me about your plans for tomorrow and how you think you can turn them into a reality. And if I'm not talking that day, or I am a little quiet or even totally silent than don't think that I am not listening, that I'm not interested, that I don't like you or that I'm mad at you. I am losing my mother to bulbair ALS. Sometimes I can't talk, think or do anything. Sometimes seeing other families interact is too hard. So than what? Just stop talking for while,  stop asking me questions and just grab a drink for me and sit next to me in silence as we stare into the nothingness and contemplate things that are, the now we live in and all that is. 

Until we read again, as always
Love, Marlies