Hi y'all
Last week I was being my own biggest enemy. Being back in Amsterdam with all the distractions and the same-old same-old training routes, sort of bummed me out. I didn't wanna do the work and I felt bad about myself for eating horrible stuff, not sleeping enough and all that ended with me postponing workouts and feeling low about that as a result. I ended up fixing the training sessions anyway but I didn't feel as good about them as I did in Spain.
So what is happening? Not working is happening. I have always had this issue. I can juggle the completely insane work-hours with all the extra's when I have a fixed schedule. Oddly enough that makes things easier for me. As soon as that is gone (think exam weeks / holidays) I kind of fall apart. Having no schedule equals having no goals, no deadlines, nothing to hold on to and I can't handle that. If I do not have these life buoys I am at drift and I go completely overboard one way or the other. I either binge eat, party and hang on the couch after or I become this freakishly workaholic neurotic weirdo that tries to survive on water and work-outs. In short: I am completely lost!
It wasn't until I had to go to Esther's that I realized that I was feeling so bad because I had been treating myself so bad. The way I feel and the way I treat myself are connected in this vicious cycle. And ofcourse the entire world is gonna go - WELL DUUUH- on me now, but sometimes I can't see that even though there's this gnawing form of conciousness that does know and see. So the first thing I did when I came in was telling her I gained weight during my holiday and I started explaining why. She got me on the scale and I had to see for myself that I didn't gain any weight at all. Non what so-ever. Now you might think I'd be happy about that but I wasn't, even to my own suprise tears welled up when Esther told me I had to let go a little and eat a little more to compensate for the loss in those 13+ mile long runs that are coming up from here on in. And that just made me cry.
Why? I am scared. I am scared I can't do this. I am scared I can't maintain my weight, I am scared that when the time comes for me to run my full marathon my mom isn't here anymore. I am scared to live my life without my mom a phone call away. I am scared beyond believe that I can't finish what I started and that I will turn out to be the biggest loser this planet has ever seen. That is how I feel. Scared shitless!
So Now what? Curl up in corner and wait for the world to just go away? Does that sound like the person you have come to know so far? Ofcourse it doesn't. Now that I know what has me bugged so much I know how to counter attack what got to me. I will not let fear get the best of me. I knew this wasn't going to be a picknick, I knew that I had some pretty big bridges to cross and I knew that this whole thing would change everything. So now I'm here. Almost halfway point. The only thing I need to feel less at drift is a path of life buoys lighted by a light house so I can swim from buoy to bouy and catch my breath in between. And so I will be mapping out my weeks again like I did when I was working and I'll go from there. One life buoy at the time. Compartimentalizing my life like I would a long run. We'll see how I feel about it all next week.
Last week I was being my own biggest enemy. Being back in Amsterdam with all the distractions and the same-old same-old training routes, sort of bummed me out. I didn't wanna do the work and I felt bad about myself for eating horrible stuff, not sleeping enough and all that ended with me postponing workouts and feeling low about that as a result. I ended up fixing the training sessions anyway but I didn't feel as good about them as I did in Spain.
So what is happening? Not working is happening. I have always had this issue. I can juggle the completely insane work-hours with all the extra's when I have a fixed schedule. Oddly enough that makes things easier for me. As soon as that is gone (think exam weeks / holidays) I kind of fall apart. Having no schedule equals having no goals, no deadlines, nothing to hold on to and I can't handle that. If I do not have these life buoys I am at drift and I go completely overboard one way or the other. I either binge eat, party and hang on the couch after or I become this freakishly workaholic neurotic weirdo that tries to survive on water and work-outs. In short: I am completely lost!
Why? I am scared. I am scared I can't do this. I am scared I can't maintain my weight, I am scared that when the time comes for me to run my full marathon my mom isn't here anymore. I am scared to live my life without my mom a phone call away. I am scared beyond believe that I can't finish what I started and that I will turn out to be the biggest loser this planet has ever seen. That is how I feel. Scared shitless!
So Now what? Curl up in corner and wait for the world to just go away? Does that sound like the person you have come to know so far? Ofcourse it doesn't. Now that I know what has me bugged so much I know how to counter attack what got to me. I will not let fear get the best of me. I knew this wasn't going to be a picknick, I knew that I had some pretty big bridges to cross and I knew that this whole thing would change everything. So now I'm here. Almost halfway point. The only thing I need to feel less at drift is a path of life buoys lighted by a light house so I can swim from buoy to bouy and catch my breath in between. And so I will be mapping out my weeks again like I did when I was working and I'll go from there. One life buoy at the time. Compartimentalizing my life like I would a long run. We'll see how I feel about it all next week.
Will I ever be ready for all that is coming? Will I ever be ready to run 26.2 miles? I don't know. I don't have to know right now. I am able to make to next week and that is all I need to know right now. I can make it to next Sunday.
That is it for now, until we read again,
As always, love Marlies
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