Doorgaan naar hoofdcontent

Will I ever be ready?

Hi y'all

Last week I was being my own biggest enemy. Being back in Amsterdam with all the distractions and the same-old same-old training routes, sort of bummed me out. I didn't wanna do the work and I felt bad about myself for eating horrible stuff, not sleeping enough and all that ended with me postponing workouts and feeling low about that as a result. I ended up fixing the training sessions anyway but I didn't feel as good about them as I did in Spain.

So what is happening? Not working is happening. I have always had this issue. I can juggle the completely insane work-hours with all the extra's when I have a fixed schedule. Oddly enough that makes things easier for me. As soon as that is gone (think exam weeks / holidays) I kind of fall apart. Having no schedule equals having no goals, no deadlines, nothing to hold on to and I can't handle that. If I do not have these life buoys I am at drift and I go completely overboard one way or the other. I either binge eat, party and hang on the couch after or I become this freakishly workaholic neurotic weirdo that tries to survive on water and work-outs. In short: I am completely lost!



It wasn't until I had to go to Esther's that I realized that I was feeling so bad because I had been treating myself so bad.  The way I feel and the way I treat myself are connected in this vicious cycle. And ofcourse the entire world is gonna go - WELL DUUUH- on me now, but sometimes I can't see that even though there's this gnawing form of conciousness that does know and see. So the first thing I did when I came in was telling her I gained weight during my holiday and I started explaining why. She got me on the scale and I had to see for myself that I didn't gain any weight at all. Non what so-ever. Now you might think I'd be happy about that but I wasn't, even to my own suprise tears welled up when Esther told me I had to let go a little and eat a little more to compensate for the loss in those 13+ mile long runs that are coming up from here on in. And that just made me cry.

Why? I am scared. I am scared I can't do this. I am scared I can't maintain my weight, I am scared that when the time comes for me to run my full marathon my mom isn't here anymore. I am scared to live my life without my mom a phone call away. I am scared beyond believe that I can't finish what I started and that I will turn out to be the biggest loser this planet has ever seen. That is how I feel. Scared shitless!



So Now what? Curl up in corner and wait for the world to just go away? Does that sound like the person you have come to know so far? Ofcourse it doesn't. Now that I know what has me bugged so much I know how to counter attack what got to me. I will not let fear get the best of me. I knew this wasn't going to be a picknick, I knew that I had some pretty big bridges to cross and I knew that this whole thing would change everything. So now I'm here. Almost halfway point. The only thing I need to feel less at drift is a path of life buoys lighted by a light house so I can swim from buoy to bouy and catch my breath in between. And so I will be mapping out my weeks again like I did when I was working and I'll go from there. One life buoy at the time. Compartimentalizing my life like I would a long run. We'll see how I feel about it all next week.


Will I ever be ready for all that is coming? Will I ever be ready to run 26.2 miles? I don't know. I don't have to know right now. I am able to make to next week and that is all I need to know right now. I can make it to next Sunday.

That is it for now, until we read again,
As always, love Marlies


Reacties

Populaire posts van deze blog

Breaking taboos: The five stages of Runner's trots

Hi y'all After yet another week of teaching and dealing with normal life it seems to become a little easier to combine it all. I wrap my running schedule around my commuter distances to work and that helps. If I'm not running than I'm riding my bicycle to and from work. It's about an 11 or 13 km bike ride depending on the route I take. So switching biking to work for running back makes up for the 11km on Thursday. Now the title of this blog should be warning enough. So if you do not enjoy the dirty parts of running than by all means...STOP READING RIGHT NOW AND GO ABOUT YOUR NORMAL BUSINESS!! Good for you. Even after a fair warning you have decided to stick with me and read on. As you are well aware of I'm running for MLDS (CLICK HERE TO DONATE) a foundation that fights to create funding to help people with stomach/liver/bowel issues. Now after the past few weeks I figured let's see what is happening to me on those 8km-something-runs when I am in dire need of...

The magic of numbers

Hi Y'all, "Anything in life can be measured" someone once told me. I think it was a mathmatician who said it and probably the love of my life since he is one. At that time I didn't think much of it but lately that quote keeps popping up in my head. You know the thing is I am once again completely mesmerized by my second love which is running. I am completely in it's grips and I surrendered to it like cookie monster would to cookies. Right now all I can think of and all I really want to do is run my own runs, go to classes on running, talk to other runners about running and coach other runners. There is nothing else I seriously want to do. I can't read anything unless it's running related and the only thing I feel good doing when I'm not running, coaching or preparing classes is lying on my couch watching Netflix wondering where and when to plan and plot and scheme our next vacation that most definately should include a run or stunning nature so I c...

The will to succeed....

Hi y'all, The world is filled with wishes, dreams, hopes and fears and I'm happy this tiny orb has all of m and yet that longing, that need, that hope for things to happen or maybe even the fear for them won't ever make anything happen. A dream alone will get you through a dark time but it won't make the night go away. Hope for better times will provide you with some sort of elastic band that might stretch a little further but it won't get you over that gap. A wish is nothing more than a whisper over candle light or a shooting star blasted into a universe that knows no sound and fears are the seeimingly unbreakable ties your mind has you wrapped in. The world won't give you anything, the universe can't hear you. People might and hopefully your mind will. Did you ever experience the absolute need to do something, no doubts nor fears about weather or not you're able to? That is exactly how I felt the first time I started training for a marathon. I wanted...