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When all you can think is...CRAP WHY ME???

Hi y'all,

So it has been awfully quiet around my part of this here blog and let me tell ya why...EVERYTHING WENT BONCKERS. Seriously everything turned to DONKEY DUNG. So whazzup you ask me? Welll....don't say you didn't want to know. If you don't actually give a rats ass please stop reading now...

-----------------Still reading are ya?--------------------------sure you wanna do this?-----------------

Right...Don't come back to me complaining about my language or my attitude. This is MY BLOG and I wanna RANT now because I fell down a shithole LITERALLY and my running days are over this season. Wait ...WHAT? YES THAT IS RIGHT! I can't run any of the races I registered for and right now I'm not even sure I can run at all. I can't even stand on my right foot regardless of the maximum amount of painkillers. I'm devastated and angry and non of it will help me but I need to vent because I can't do anything else. So I'm gonna give you the long version since I can't seem to change your mind about reading on anyways.

It all started when I embarked on this adventure called: change your life around at 44. On a gloomy day I decided I was the only one that could stop myself from writing another chapter in the book I call 'spirit gone after 19 years of teaching'. So I did it...I found a new career and after about half a year I feel like I am meeting the utmost beautiful people in the world who try to make this orb a little better without ever asking for anything in return. I also feel like I'm doing one thing right and about sixty things wrong, each and every day. Each and everyday I wake up with this urge to do better, to learn more, to be even more involved than I am. Every day I learn new things about the work I'm doing but far more important about myself and the things I never thought I could or would do. All really great but ..yep there it is...I am exhausted. Why? Well here's the list:

- New job, amazing but literally everything is new
- Mom's ALS
- Buying our first ever grown-up big house out of the city

And that is when you realize that this list might seem like an ordinary 'yep-that's-life-for-you' list but I do not want to be tough on this one..and I am feeling this one. I want to feel what I'm feeling, I want to not suck it up and be cool with it because I'm sooooo NOT. I am not cool with my mom having ALS, I am scared shitless each and every day of yet again dropping the ball on something minor, I am still not sure weather or not the mortgage on our house will pull through and I am facing a move out of the most popular city in the world. The one I have been living in my entire life. So yeah...tired doesn't cut it. I am exhausted and I for one can't collapse. I just simply can't.

So what has all that got to do with running? Well when you're tired like this you get all kinds of problems. For instance one of them is getting dizzy and the other is losing coordination. So guess what? Over the course of about 3 months I have broken my wrist, ended up getting compensation injuries and last Thursday I busted my ankle. Not just a little but badly. I am on a maximum dose of painkillers and I can't stand on my foot at all. The x-ray shows a tiny chip that is sticking out of a bone where it shouldn't and my foot looks horrible.

Running this season is out and I am angry and sad about it. I have to work from home and I feel like I can't do anything right and I'm not doing my part. TO use a Dutch word for it: I feel like a sjaakafhaak. It sucks! I want to work like a normal person, I want to run so I can clear my mind and be more stable. I can't though now and I can't coach my own two running groups so someone else has to do that for me too. Like I said: I can't do anything right and it makes me feel like a charity case for some and some make me feel like I'm a cry-baby that needs to just tough-the-F-up. There is no way I can do this the right way because someone will always be disappointed...most of all me. So yeah....right now I don't feel like a marathon girl. I feel like an epic failure and it sucks!

I don't have any heroic words to make y'all feel better. All I want is for my ankle to heal quickly and for me to not feel like shit all the time. Because I do. So...here's to life: keeping it unreal and making it happen one step at the time. This will pass too, like life itself.

Love
Marlies


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