Hi y'all,
Amsterdam half marathon is coming up quickly and I am just not ready. I have not done my usual over-the-top training but just the basics. That for starters makes me anxious. The pas few weeks have been hell on finding a good shoe and I haven't so both my feet have blood blisters needles to say that they hurt. Both of these arguments are excuses and they don't come close to how I have been feeling since we got back home last Monday.
I have been working my ass off to just not stop and think about mom and everything but with Amsterdam coming up so are all the emotions that are part of that. Last time I crossed the finish line at the olympic stadium my parents were there to actually see me finish that full marathon. Now mom is dead and I am scared to cross the line. Like it's making that the real final step. And I'm angry, mostly with myself. Grieve got the better part of me and when I look in the mirror I see me just about 2 seizes bigger than I wanna be and I hate it. It makes me feel weak and ugly. Every finish line photo from this past year is a photo I wanna burn because I can't stand the way I look. I honestly can't. Now this anger is not getting me anywhere and I am not looking for sympathy. I just wanna show y'all that I am not as strong as many people tell me I am. I'm just me. I worked very hard on not burning-out in the all that was 2018 and by doing so completely ignored that I need some space. Just space.
What I need right now is time to get back to the me I was back in 2016 but how do I get there when I only have so many hours in one day and my job is very high maintenance? I'm done making all the wrong choices for all the wrong reasons. My job does not equal my life and I won't be guilt tripped into scraficing the only time I have with my love and family on this earth. Yes I work for a cause, a good one too but that doesn't mean I have to completely decipher myself. So yesterday I started blocking off weekends. I get paid 32 hours each week. No more, no less and it is not okay that it's considered to be normal to work overtime because I work for a cause. It is not. Overtime can't be compensated because it's time I lost with my love, family and friends. I can't get it back. And it is eating away at me.
What is this marathon girl to do? I need to get my priorities straight. I am a wife, primary caretaker of my husband, I am a daughter of a grieving father, I am the oldest sister and my sister is an amazing person who deserves so much better than she's having right now. My brother is overwhelmed by parenthood and his family life so he's coping but I don't get to see him which SUCKS. Oh... and I love running. Work can never ever become so important that it takes away the time I have to be with the love of my life and my family. It can never be more important than that. And work should never be so time consuming that it leaves me no room for staying healthy by working out.
My plan is this: I'm scared beyond believe of this half marathon but I'm going to run it anyway. Courage is not the absence of fear....it's mastering it. And fuck it I will. How will I get through it all and back to me?
1. Block off time to work out so I get my training schedule back up and that means: running, swimming, strength and preferably yoga (find new bikram studio).
2. Go to bed early
3. Make time to grieve.
4. register for awesome runs
5. Schedule meet-ups with friends. Laugh!!
6. Don't work overtime.
And I'm not waiting for tomorrow with this...I have already blocked my agenda and I'm taking a stand. I am worthy of liking what I see when I look in the mirror. My job is a job, it is NOT my life. My life is where I enjoy the company of my love, family and friends and that time is irreplacable and priceless, You can never pay me enough to give that up and it is wrong to expect me to do so. Sunday 21st of October I will complete that half marathon. I am a wife, a primary care taker, a daughter, the oldest sister,a friend and I am a runner. I will never let anyone take that away from me. EVER! This is me taking a stand and if you don't like it than you are not worthy of my time.
Keep it unreal and make it happen, no limits no regrets
That's it for now!
Until we read again, as always
Love, Marlies
Amsterdam half marathon is coming up quickly and I am just not ready. I have not done my usual over-the-top training but just the basics. That for starters makes me anxious. The pas few weeks have been hell on finding a good shoe and I haven't so both my feet have blood blisters needles to say that they hurt. Both of these arguments are excuses and they don't come close to how I have been feeling since we got back home last Monday.
I have been working my ass off to just not stop and think about mom and everything but with Amsterdam coming up so are all the emotions that are part of that. Last time I crossed the finish line at the olympic stadium my parents were there to actually see me finish that full marathon. Now mom is dead and I am scared to cross the line. Like it's making that the real final step. And I'm angry, mostly with myself. Grieve got the better part of me and when I look in the mirror I see me just about 2 seizes bigger than I wanna be and I hate it. It makes me feel weak and ugly. Every finish line photo from this past year is a photo I wanna burn because I can't stand the way I look. I honestly can't. Now this anger is not getting me anywhere and I am not looking for sympathy. I just wanna show y'all that I am not as strong as many people tell me I am. I'm just me. I worked very hard on not burning-out in the all that was 2018 and by doing so completely ignored that I need some space. Just space.
What I need right now is time to get back to the me I was back in 2016 but how do I get there when I only have so many hours in one day and my job is very high maintenance? I'm done making all the wrong choices for all the wrong reasons. My job does not equal my life and I won't be guilt tripped into scraficing the only time I have with my love and family on this earth. Yes I work for a cause, a good one too but that doesn't mean I have to completely decipher myself. So yesterday I started blocking off weekends. I get paid 32 hours each week. No more, no less and it is not okay that it's considered to be normal to work overtime because I work for a cause. It is not. Overtime can't be compensated because it's time I lost with my love, family and friends. I can't get it back. And it is eating away at me.
What is this marathon girl to do? I need to get my priorities straight. I am a wife, primary caretaker of my husband, I am a daughter of a grieving father, I am the oldest sister and my sister is an amazing person who deserves so much better than she's having right now. My brother is overwhelmed by parenthood and his family life so he's coping but I don't get to see him which SUCKS. Oh... and I love running. Work can never ever become so important that it takes away the time I have to be with the love of my life and my family. It can never be more important than that. And work should never be so time consuming that it leaves me no room for staying healthy by working out.
My plan is this: I'm scared beyond believe of this half marathon but I'm going to run it anyway. Courage is not the absence of fear....it's mastering it. And fuck it I will. How will I get through it all and back to me?
1. Block off time to work out so I get my training schedule back up and that means: running, swimming, strength and preferably yoga (find new bikram studio).
2. Go to bed early
3. Make time to grieve.
4. register for awesome runs
5. Schedule meet-ups with friends. Laugh!!
6. Don't work overtime.
And I'm not waiting for tomorrow with this...I have already blocked my agenda and I'm taking a stand. I am worthy of liking what I see when I look in the mirror. My job is a job, it is NOT my life. My life is where I enjoy the company of my love, family and friends and that time is irreplacable and priceless, You can never pay me enough to give that up and it is wrong to expect me to do so. Sunday 21st of October I will complete that half marathon. I am a wife, a primary care taker, a daughter, the oldest sister,a friend and I am a runner. I will never let anyone take that away from me. EVER! This is me taking a stand and if you don't like it than you are not worthy of my time.
Keep it unreal and make it happen, no limits no regrets
That's it for now!
Until we read again, as always
Love, Marlies
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