Hi y'all,
Difficult times lie ahead. Tomorrow would have been my mom's birthday, in eleven days we remember her passing and than there's 21st of June which marks the 50th year in which my parents would have been together and this year that colides with father's day and the obvious world ALS day, now if that weren't enough we have the 23rd of June which marks the day we had mom's funural service. All I really wanna do is crawl in a hole and come out when June has passed. But that is not an option.
In the past few years too many things have been said. There actually is such a thing as talking about crap too much especially when the person you talk to feels the need to open up each and every wound just so they can understand better which in the end is never the case and you're left with your carefully mended and scarred over tissue ripped open again. No better than before but the other one asbolutely convinced they get it now which they don't. Today, as I ran a ten miler which, I really threaded in fear of pain and blisters, something clicked. I just bingewatched the 4th season of the 13 reasons why and I just felt so empty and angry. And it clicked. Forgiveness is not always the answer even though it is thought to be the one thing that will free your mind from pain and therefore it's not about the other person but about you. However sometimes forgiveness feels like you bending backwards, like you have fucked up when really you didn't and sometimes it is just does not feel right to forgive. Sometimes moving on and letting go is a better answer. Let go of the pain, let go of the things you can not change, let go of fear, anger and hate. Let go by moving forward. Each and every step you take can be a consious decision to let go of all the crap you just do not want to talk about ever again. Not because you wanna bury your memories and the pain but because you simply want to let them exist without the emotions tied to them, like pictures from an old photo album.
As I ran those ten miles I started of very angry, until sadness took over for all the things that once were and will never be again and after that....quietness. And that silence was more profound than any words ever could be. Which is why crawling in hole until July comes around will not be the answer. I will keep moving simply because after everything that is said and done the silence is the only place where memories are pictures without judgement, fear, anger and sadness.
June only has one option and that is to just keep moving. With each and every mile I'll move away from all that never really was but got created and I will not look back in shame and pain anymore. If I start to look back it will be from a far and safe distance. Like fireworks on new years eve. Pretty from a far but dangerous and destructive up close. Remember this: you can always take that next step. That one next step. And you are loved. Run through it all, let it all go. Let go of pain, fear, anger and hate. It doesn't serve you, it empties you. Run and find the silence and find you. You. Not a version of you. YOU.
That's it for now. Be kind to yourself.
Until we read again, as always
Love Marlies
Difficult times lie ahead. Tomorrow would have been my mom's birthday, in eleven days we remember her passing and than there's 21st of June which marks the 50th year in which my parents would have been together and this year that colides with father's day and the obvious world ALS day, now if that weren't enough we have the 23rd of June which marks the day we had mom's funural service. All I really wanna do is crawl in a hole and come out when June has passed. But that is not an option.
In the past few years too many things have been said. There actually is such a thing as talking about crap too much especially when the person you talk to feels the need to open up each and every wound just so they can understand better which in the end is never the case and you're left with your carefully mended and scarred over tissue ripped open again. No better than before but the other one asbolutely convinced they get it now which they don't. Today, as I ran a ten miler which, I really threaded in fear of pain and blisters, something clicked. I just bingewatched the 4th season of the 13 reasons why and I just felt so empty and angry. And it clicked. Forgiveness is not always the answer even though it is thought to be the one thing that will free your mind from pain and therefore it's not about the other person but about you. However sometimes forgiveness feels like you bending backwards, like you have fucked up when really you didn't and sometimes it is just does not feel right to forgive. Sometimes moving on and letting go is a better answer. Let go of the pain, let go of the things you can not change, let go of fear, anger and hate. Let go by moving forward. Each and every step you take can be a consious decision to let go of all the crap you just do not want to talk about ever again. Not because you wanna bury your memories and the pain but because you simply want to let them exist without the emotions tied to them, like pictures from an old photo album.
As I ran those ten miles I started of very angry, until sadness took over for all the things that once were and will never be again and after that....quietness. And that silence was more profound than any words ever could be. Which is why crawling in hole until July comes around will not be the answer. I will keep moving simply because after everything that is said and done the silence is the only place where memories are pictures without judgement, fear, anger and sadness.
June only has one option and that is to just keep moving. With each and every mile I'll move away from all that never really was but got created and I will not look back in shame and pain anymore. If I start to look back it will be from a far and safe distance. Like fireworks on new years eve. Pretty from a far but dangerous and destructive up close. Remember this: you can always take that next step. That one next step. And you are loved. Run through it all, let it all go. Let go of pain, fear, anger and hate. It doesn't serve you, it empties you. Run and find the silence and find you. You. Not a version of you. YOU.
That's it for now. Be kind to yourself.
Until we read again, as always
Love Marlies
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