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On destructive thoughts and a growing mind-set

 Hi Y'all,

How's everybody doing here? I've been a little more absent than I wanna admit but life once again took over and I am currently trying to get reacquainted with the vessel I was gifted to sail through life aka my body. For a red, a type personality such as myself sailing through the edgy, unpredictable waters of the change is hard. I am prone to have all sorts of destructive thoughts and feelings when I look at myself. I do not consider myself to have a good looking body, I am not an athlete on any level except my determination and sheer will to finish what ever it is I started. In short do not ever take any picture of me because I hate being in pictures unless I took m. Right now I am back on hormones and in a way that is a good thing because my body hurts less and my emotions are sort of lowing down however these hormones sure as hell make my body look like a balloon animal and you try running with 3kg too much weight and a stressful realation with food as is. 


So today as I totally struggled with my vessel in a 10 mile run I at one point just gave up. Not the running (though I admit I did walk bits and pieces), no I gave up on destroying myself. At one point (more precise at km 12 when I started feeling a huge blister under the ball of my right foot) I gave up trashing myself  and I just felt like I do not have to proof anything to anyone. I know I can run a 10 miler. Djeez I ran countless of them. I know I can run a half marathon because I've done more than I remember even and I know I am capable of finishing a full one. There is only one thing I need to understand/learn/grasp....I have to really accept that my body is not 20 anymore. That I am a woman and that I am going through a very significant phase in my life. The change is not something minor and it truely impacts every little detail of your being and that is ok. 

Running long distances is not something I have to give up because the hormones make me puffy/bloated/fat. I do not have to run a sub 5hrs marathon. Hell I don't even have to run a sub 6hrs. I do not need to look like I haven't eaten a grain of spelt since 2001 to actually cross any finish line and if I need 7hrs to finish a full that still doesn't mean I am less worthy or less of a runner. By all standards I still ran that same distance and if anything just think about this: it is my race and I overcame my own obstacles and most likely my obstacles differ from yours and that doesn't mean they're less than yours or that you are better than I am. True you might be faster and thinner and younger and also true: you yourself at one point will struggle with the aging and hormones in the vessel you were gifted. This also means that I am not a better person than anyone else. I am me. Don't compare yourself to me as I have absolutely no reason to do that to you.

All of this is something I know I've written down before and maybe this entire piece is just a way to remind myself that self worth and self love comes from within. So that being said: I ran 10 miles today. I.....RAN.....TEN....MILES....TODAY....I ran ten frekkin miles.

How's that for a regular Sunday? 

that's it for now, until we read again

as always, Love Marlies


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