Hi y'all,
Remember the time I talked to you about boring weeks and roller coaster rides? Well another week filled with a lot of crazy crap just passed me by and it literally felt like that. Like I was on the platform when my derailed train called life just raced by me and smashed in a good old cornfield of sorts. As I stood by and watched the darn thing get blown to smithereens all I could think of was - How much does this actually matter on a scale of important stuff? - The answer came as soon as I tried to pick up some of the pieces from the pile. As I tried to figure out what just happened and tried to lift some of the pieces out of the burning ashes it clicked. That train crash, or more specifically that train...that is not my life. That train is my past and somehow the past felt the need to speed up, catch up and completely raise havoc in the now. Watching the pile burn and smoke I decided right there that I do not need the drama of my past to be part of my very difficult life right now.
So what happened? The short version is this: my friends and former co-workers called and asked me to apply for a job at the firm I used to work at. I had some serious doubts about the whole thing but I absolutely and wholeheartedly loved the idea of working with 'my people' again and so I decided to apply. After a somewhat awkward interview I got a call that told me the job was basically mine and all we had to do is talk through the terms of employment. So I prepared myself for that hard core -let's talk business - talk. However somehow that whole talk turned into a talk where I was told that one person is actually slandering me. Yes seriously. I am not kidding!! and that, if I wanted to take on this job, I should work way harder then any other person for this job to proof that I am worthy of it. My co-workers were outraged as much as I was flabbergasted. And that, my dear friends, is a serious understatement. After some deliberation I decided that not only did I feel to good for this job....I actually AM. And like I said, I do not need that person's drama in my life. That person is doing a more then fine job in making his/her own life miserable by dwelling on something that happened four years ago. I honestly don't know who it is or what I ever did to deserve such a low blow but you know what? It is just not my circus, not my monkeys. My life is complicated and beautiful as it is and I am good enough. I do not need to proof myself to anyone. Especially not to someone who has such a hollow existence that my personality is making you jump like I used an unforgivable curse four years after I did.
Now that entire ordeal made me wonder. What happened to me that this whole very vile, low and miserable person isn't even getting to me. Honestly not making it into my drama? Why is that? A few years ago I probably would have pulled a trigger and seriously damaged that person but now I shrug my shoulders, take a deep breath and walk away. What the heck is going on? After today's long run I think I figured it out. I believe that I simply do not have the space in my heart and head to take on the drama of people that do not have the courtesy of telling me I have wronged them or hurt them to my face. And even if they did, would I actually feel anything about it? Well on the list of things that really hurt, my answer is probably gonna be no. Why? Well here's my list of stuff that truely has my attention:
So what do you think? I have time for the invisible drama of my past? No I don't. So how do I level out the emotions? I RUN. That is the only thing that makes sense in all of the above. Me running my runs and the love of my life with me on his bike. It gives us time to talk and just be. Those runs must be why I can just breathe through all the crap that doesn't even matter. It must have something to do with endorfines and adrenaline I guess. I believe that my addiction to running is helping me cope and that is what matters most. Getting through all of this and come out on the other side stronger and more resilient then ever. Running has taught me that I matter, that I am capable of great things, that I can endure so much more then I ever gave myself credit for. I am a runner, the finish line is always in front of me and therefore I will not look back. It is pointless. You can never change the past, you can only change how you wish to move on.
So this week I salute my past and give her space to crawl back to where she came from. Life scarred me and I wear those scars with a lot of pride. I have forgiven the people that have wronged me in the past, I forgave myself for the people I have wronged and I have moved on. I am getting to know the new me and I am learning to love her bit by bit. I am healthy, strong and capable of so much more then I was all these years ago. My past doesn't define me. It formed me. I am no longer the person I was four years ago and I am not ashamed of who I was before. Nor should I be.
That's it for now, until we read again
Love, Marlies
Remember the time I talked to you about boring weeks and roller coaster rides? Well another week filled with a lot of crazy crap just passed me by and it literally felt like that. Like I was on the platform when my derailed train called life just raced by me and smashed in a good old cornfield of sorts. As I stood by and watched the darn thing get blown to smithereens all I could think of was - How much does this actually matter on a scale of important stuff? - The answer came as soon as I tried to pick up some of the pieces from the pile. As I tried to figure out what just happened and tried to lift some of the pieces out of the burning ashes it clicked. That train crash, or more specifically that train...that is not my life. That train is my past and somehow the past felt the need to speed up, catch up and completely raise havoc in the now. Watching the pile burn and smoke I decided right there that I do not need the drama of my past to be part of my very difficult life right now.
So what happened? The short version is this: my friends and former co-workers called and asked me to apply for a job at the firm I used to work at. I had some serious doubts about the whole thing but I absolutely and wholeheartedly loved the idea of working with 'my people' again and so I decided to apply. After a somewhat awkward interview I got a call that told me the job was basically mine and all we had to do is talk through the terms of employment. So I prepared myself for that hard core -let's talk business - talk. However somehow that whole talk turned into a talk where I was told that one person is actually slandering me. Yes seriously. I am not kidding!! and that, if I wanted to take on this job, I should work way harder then any other person for this job to proof that I am worthy of it. My co-workers were outraged as much as I was flabbergasted. And that, my dear friends, is a serious understatement. After some deliberation I decided that not only did I feel to good for this job....I actually AM. And like I said, I do not need that person's drama in my life. That person is doing a more then fine job in making his/her own life miserable by dwelling on something that happened four years ago. I honestly don't know who it is or what I ever did to deserve such a low blow but you know what? It is just not my circus, not my monkeys. My life is complicated and beautiful as it is and I am good enough. I do not need to proof myself to anyone. Especially not to someone who has such a hollow existence that my personality is making you jump like I used an unforgivable curse four years after I did.
Now that entire ordeal made me wonder. What happened to me that this whole very vile, low and miserable person isn't even getting to me. Honestly not making it into my drama? Why is that? A few years ago I probably would have pulled a trigger and seriously damaged that person but now I shrug my shoulders, take a deep breath and walk away. What the heck is going on? After today's long run I think I figured it out. I believe that I simply do not have the space in my heart and head to take on the drama of people that do not have the courtesy of telling me I have wronged them or hurt them to my face. And even if they did, would I actually feel anything about it? Well on the list of things that really hurt, my answer is probably gonna be no. Why? Well here's my list of stuff that truely has my attention:
- My beautiful mother is rapidly fading away, dying from bulbair ALS. That means she can no longer talk to us, eat properly or breathe properly for that matter. I am losing my mother and she is only 67 years old. She survived cancer two years ago and now she is dying from ALS. Making time for her and being with her is probably more important to me don't you think?
- My father is losing the love of his life and he is absolutely desperate. Doesn't even know where to begin and so he doesn't.
- The love of my life is slowly recovering from a horrible burn-out after nearly losing his life twice in the past four years. Is that one syncing in properly?
- My beautiful brother and his wife just became parents for the first time and by doing so making my mom and dad grandparents because me and my sister do not have kids. Gwen is the most beautiful little girl you ever saw and she embodies light in darkness.
- I am training for a full marathon to raise money for scientific research on ALS.
- I am still working a full time job and have been all academic year. Yeah that's right. And I am doing a bloody good job too.
So what do you think? I have time for the invisible drama of my past? No I don't. So how do I level out the emotions? I RUN. That is the only thing that makes sense in all of the above. Me running my runs and the love of my life with me on his bike. It gives us time to talk and just be. Those runs must be why I can just breathe through all the crap that doesn't even matter. It must have something to do with endorfines and adrenaline I guess. I believe that my addiction to running is helping me cope and that is what matters most. Getting through all of this and come out on the other side stronger and more resilient then ever. Running has taught me that I matter, that I am capable of great things, that I can endure so much more then I ever gave myself credit for. I am a runner, the finish line is always in front of me and therefore I will not look back. It is pointless. You can never change the past, you can only change how you wish to move on.
So this week I salute my past and give her space to crawl back to where she came from. Life scarred me and I wear those scars with a lot of pride. I have forgiven the people that have wronged me in the past, I forgave myself for the people I have wronged and I have moved on. I am getting to know the new me and I am learning to love her bit by bit. I am healthy, strong and capable of so much more then I was all these years ago. My past doesn't define me. It formed me. I am no longer the person I was four years ago and I am not ashamed of who I was before. Nor should I be.
That's it for now, until we read again
Love, Marlies
Reacties
Een reactie posten