Hi Y'all,
Most of you know I am a true to the core data junkie. I am addicted to data in all it's glorious perfection and though it's sounds completely boring and nerdish to most, for me it is the gateway to find out where I'm at, where I want to be and how best to get there. Unfortunately the data junkie fun holds one very serious danger for me; the stress this data can cause and by doing so playing right into my eating disorder.
If this is the first time you are reading up on my blog or if you really don't know me all that well, you might be in for a shock because I have been dealing with anorexia since I was about 14 years old and started to show some female forms. I grew up learning to hide my body because at that same age I was put on a scale by the one person that is supposed to love you unconditionally and I was told I needed to lose weight because I was getting fat. And yes these are the exact words that were used. And ever since that moment I started to look at myself differently and that is when my fascination for numbers also began. You see numbers unlock certain powers or better said: they hold certain powers. Just think of this: If you get an A on any exam you're rewarded with 'well done' & 'you're very smart'. A straight A record potentially has the power to grant you a scholarship at any given IVY. When you run a sub hour 10k everyone roots for you and cheers you on. However when that same distance takes you say one hour and 14 minutes the same people will either say something crappy or nothing at all. The same goes for that number on the scale: as soon as it drops and you're figure changes people reward you with: you look so good, you've lost a ton of weight - good for you and it makes people proud of you. I learned this lesson when I was just 14 years old. I was applauded and rooted for when I was skinny but as soon as I started gaining wheight I was told I didn't look good, that I was fat and that I was unhealthy. I would like all of you to remember that at age 14 my BMI was very healthy and I was not overweight. It has taken me a lot of years to come to terms with what happened when I was that young little girl of only 14 years old and being a data junkie I am still not free of those very hugely imprimpted neuro pathways. And every now and so often my data junkie addiction turns on me and I find myself back on the path of anorexia. Yes even now at almost 48 years of age I am struggling every now and again.
So how do I deal with it? well....just this weekend I told the love of my life that I wanted to lose weight again because being back on anti-conception pill has one very huge downside: I gained 2kg. And I can't stand it. I hate it. The benefits outweigh the weight gain so I am not ready to give up the pill and at the same time I want to lose the weight. And just that really is a scary position for me to be in. I have been consedering using a weight loss app until I realized what I was doing and I opened up to my love. I can tell when I scare him and I know he'll always have my back so I have asked all the questions at the support people of the app and in the end they told me that the app they created probably was not a good idea for me to use. Very honest, very vulnurable position for me to take but I did. I owned up to what was going on and now that I realize it's my anorexia taking over and talking to me I hope I can turn it around make a more healthy choice.
The biggest change for me since I got treated at the expert centre for eating disorders in Amsterdam is that i realize this disease does not only affect me but I have hurt my love a lot and his trust is worth everything. So because of the treatment I got I know when anorexia rears it's ugly head I need to be open about it and talk it through with him and so I do. Scary as that is because it is scary to talk about it because you know you don't wanna go back to the clinic and you definately don't wanna go back to being to being one step away of serious underweight. But talking about it helps. It does. So if you're struggling or if you're scared TALK TO SOMEONE you trust.
Running and anorexia are two things that go hand in hand because very skinny people potentially run faster than people that are not that skinny and I love to run. I'm not happy with my times but I'm okay with running a full marathon in about 5 hours and 30 minutes. I want to run a one hrs 10k and a sub 30 minute 5K and my weight is literally in the way. So yes I do want to get rid of those hormonal kilo's but I will try to walk the safe route again because in the end I really love life and the love of my life and I really don't wanna go back to being so skinny I need treatment again. I really really REALLY don't.
So instead of focussing on all the negative things of my body I will try the positive affirmation approach again and I will work on rebuilding my shield so people that tell me that basically I am too fat don't hold power over me. Nobody should hold that kind of power over me. Not even me or maybe even least of all me.
I will run that full marathon, I will find a way to get rid of only 2kgs and I will get past this again like I've done before. Anorexia sucks balls but anorexia is not me. It is part of me but just one part. Just one part. The rest of me is lover, wife, warrior, runner, cook, sister and singer.
That's it for now. Until we read again
as always, love Marlies
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