Hi y'all,
Y'all have been around long enough to know that my mom suffered from ALS and for the observant readers: that's right I'm writing in past tense. Her suffering came to an end on Monday june 18th 2018, ten days after she turned 70. She has left the disease and us in a beautiful and sereen moment with all of us standing by her side as she left us.
The week that followed was unreal and weird and now...seven days after my mom's passing and her cremation I have woken up in my own house feeling a bit out unworldly. Not sure what to do and therefore I turned to the one thing I do know....running. My body and mind have been struggling with the all of ALS and I no longer recognize me when I look at me. So I figured that I really do need to put all of the emotions in perspective and take time to heal but how do you do that? I feel like somehow I am not grieving the loss of my mom correctly. I am not overwhelmed with grieve, I am not lost and I fear that I come across as this cold hearted woman who can't even shed a tear when her mom passes.
Trust me....I have cried an ocean or three in the past three years watching her wither and die every day. I have been cursing and throwing with stuff, I have been screaming at God asking him why and the answer never came. I have been trying to wrap my mind around all of the horrible shit my mom had to endure before her life on this planet was over and I never understood. And the pain that came with all of that has left severe and visible scars. Yet somehow her end was a merciful one and she was so calm and so at peace and it was a beautiful goodbye. That moment when she left this earth has brought so much peace to me and all at the sudden all my questions were gone. She is gone and she left us feeling loved by her as we loved her.
Yes I am tired and yes I miss her but at the same time she is so much a part of me in everything I do that I can never forget her. She left her handprint on my heart and I will carry that with me for as long as I live. Which also brings me to running because...I need to live. Every day. I want to see the beauty in life through my tears, through my pain and running helps. It does.
Today I set out for a run and decided that I want to run a half marathon October 21st in Amsterdam. I ran 5km in 31.20 minutes and it was hard and so intensely nice at the same time. A swan flew over me when I hit the Marker Lake and I could here it's wings flap loudly. The water on the lake turned an ominous dark shade and when I turned my back to the lake I saw a Belgium Jay perched on a branch of a tree cocking his head and watching me with his glittery black eyes as if he was about to tell me HI. I could hear the wind russle through the trees, stroking my cheeks.
Life is in everything we do and we have to be brave enough to embrace life in it's shortness and it\s flawed and painful ways. Our lives are touched by other's waving through and it takes courage to open your heart and let your life be touched but when you do there is so much beauty. Yes there's pain and hardship and a whole bunch of fucked up crap...I am not gonna lie to y'all but .....there's love and beauty too. Today I found comfort in my run and that is my way of opening up to the all that is life. I hope you can find it in your heart to join me and see the beauty of all that is surrounding you.
Keep it unreal and make it happen!
That's it for now, until we read again
As always, Love Marlies
Y'all have been around long enough to know that my mom suffered from ALS and for the observant readers: that's right I'm writing in past tense. Her suffering came to an end on Monday june 18th 2018, ten days after she turned 70. She has left the disease and us in a beautiful and sereen moment with all of us standing by her side as she left us.
The week that followed was unreal and weird and now...seven days after my mom's passing and her cremation I have woken up in my own house feeling a bit out unworldly. Not sure what to do and therefore I turned to the one thing I do know....running. My body and mind have been struggling with the all of ALS and I no longer recognize me when I look at me. So I figured that I really do need to put all of the emotions in perspective and take time to heal but how do you do that? I feel like somehow I am not grieving the loss of my mom correctly. I am not overwhelmed with grieve, I am not lost and I fear that I come across as this cold hearted woman who can't even shed a tear when her mom passes.
Trust me....I have cried an ocean or three in the past three years watching her wither and die every day. I have been cursing and throwing with stuff, I have been screaming at God asking him why and the answer never came. I have been trying to wrap my mind around all of the horrible shit my mom had to endure before her life on this planet was over and I never understood. And the pain that came with all of that has left severe and visible scars. Yet somehow her end was a merciful one and she was so calm and so at peace and it was a beautiful goodbye. That moment when she left this earth has brought so much peace to me and all at the sudden all my questions were gone. She is gone and she left us feeling loved by her as we loved her.
Yes I am tired and yes I miss her but at the same time she is so much a part of me in everything I do that I can never forget her. She left her handprint on my heart and I will carry that with me for as long as I live. Which also brings me to running because...I need to live. Every day. I want to see the beauty in life through my tears, through my pain and running helps. It does.
Today I set out for a run and decided that I want to run a half marathon October 21st in Amsterdam. I ran 5km in 31.20 minutes and it was hard and so intensely nice at the same time. A swan flew over me when I hit the Marker Lake and I could here it's wings flap loudly. The water on the lake turned an ominous dark shade and when I turned my back to the lake I saw a Belgium Jay perched on a branch of a tree cocking his head and watching me with his glittery black eyes as if he was about to tell me HI. I could hear the wind russle through the trees, stroking my cheeks.
Life is in everything we do and we have to be brave enough to embrace life in it's shortness and it\s flawed and painful ways. Our lives are touched by other's waving through and it takes courage to open your heart and let your life be touched but when you do there is so much beauty. Yes there's pain and hardship and a whole bunch of fucked up crap...I am not gonna lie to y'all but .....there's love and beauty too. Today I found comfort in my run and that is my way of opening up to the all that is life. I hope you can find it in your heart to join me and see the beauty of all that is surrounding you.
Keep it unreal and make it happen!
That's it for now, until we read again
As always, Love Marlies
Reacties
Een reactie posten