Hi y'all,
Last Sunday I ran Eindhoven, the half. Not the full. You all know I had my doubts about running a full since the summer heat but in the end that was not what tipped me in deciding against running the full. In the end I ended up having quite the scare ending up in the emergency room stuck to a heartrate monitor being probed and poked for blood. I was working from home that particular day and out of the blue I started having chest pains that I can only describe as severe and quite painful muscle cramps. I flared up and I got very naucious to the point where I literally thought IS THIS IT?! I called my husband because I was afraid my GP would think it was a heart attack and sent me to the next village where we actually have an emergency room (because my town doesn't)...let this sink in....I didn't wanna get shipped to a hospital because I was scared it was my heart which immediatly would mean the end of running season. Yep...stupid. My man got quite clear, using his manly man tone of voice ordering me to the doctor 's office and ofcourse I got shipped to the ER because my heart rate was elevated enough and some spray made the cramps go away (and got me a horrible migraine as well) After spending several hours there I was so happy it wasn't a heart attack but I tell you this too...having those cramps scared the living CRAP out of me. That same week I got tested for several other things all of m ending up fine and my physical condition is good, even strong enough to run a full but I didn't. Why not?
The weeks since this scare I have been seriously questioning a few big components that make up the puzzle of me. One of them is my very competative character. I simply can't be happy with a passing grade. I need everything on their best ever. Be the best always and that means it's never enough, I'm not fast enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not good enough....I'm a loser simply because I can never match whatever impossible standard I like to set for myself. I have this ridiculous craving for more. Always more. Not towards others, nope. Just me. I can't stand it that I'm not as skinny as those endurance / trail runners that seem to tackle any distance over 40km like it's a walk through the park. I'm crushed each time I run a race over 10km/hr and I simply hate each and every picture taken of me in running gear. My ass is too big, my face is too puffy, my head is too red and I'm a giant compared to all other runners around me. I stick out and I can't hide.
So back to why I didn't run a full...Well because of the pain that involved that scare I decided against running a full figuring I'm not that big-a-fool and that obviously freed up a lot of personal time. Great right? Time to exhale? Na-ah...because than my work addicted brain picked up on the extra hours and immediatly swooped in staking claim on m. So in stead of trying to calm down, in stead of listening to my body screaming for some much needed down-time, in stead of seeing the lesson I started hiding in work. Making up excuses for doing so, perfecting each and every endavour and raging like a screaming bangee when I didn't meet my own set goals. It worked for a little while until my happy little ship struck a rock (oh what shock) and I got thrown out of the vessel with a little dingy and someone shouting over the storm if I wanted to follow the ship that had already set sail. Fading away I watched the ship move away from me and now I have nowhere to hide. I can't bury myself and I can't run away. I am out in the open on a small dingy surrounded by sharks with each and every wave smashing my moral. I am struggling and I am all alone on that angry ocean that wants to kill me.
So now I am thinking...What if having my competative type personality has gotten me as far as it did but is now turning against me? what would happen if I just let go? Let my oars be taken by the storm, let the dingy drift on the roaring waves and just sit there. What would happen? Now before you start answering that question for me let me just stop you there. I don't have the answers and right now I don't believe I need them. I need to just calm down and learn to surrender to the flow. I want to be able to focus on all the things that did work out and I want to be gratefull for the beacons that have helped me come to this point. Because getting here has been quite an adventure and I learned so much. I learned that I'm not a survivor but a warrior. I learned that I can get through discomfort and real pain and win. I learned that I'm surrounded by the best of humans that love me no matter how much I don't love me, I learned to never listen to nay-sayers and proof m wrong each and every time. That is what my competitave piece of the puzzle has gotten me and I want to be grateful and let her go. I need to let her go because she is hurting me, she is pushing me down trying to kick herself out of the water. I need another route but the storm is raging now. What if I decide that I don't have to? What if I decide to let the storm rage with me in it, come what may? What if I just find the silence and start over? What if?
You know what? It is time and I am letting go and no I don't have any answers, no I don't have a plan and yes I am scared. Wouldn't you be if you were left to your own devices out on a stormy sea on a killing spree? Well I am. The storm might knock in the water with the sharks and than it might just not. I don't know. For now my road will no longer take me to full marathon training, my max will be half of that and just because I need my head cleared of the negative squatters occupying it, I am taking up yoga again. This vessel I call body is mine in all it's imperfections and I need to just let her be. She has enough life scars on her, I don't need to add to them anymore. My mind has been bombed with crushing thoughts and self distructive ideas for so long it might take generations to restore whatever is left so I am not reorganizing, refurbishing or redoing anything because the foundations are flawed and damaged. Not redoing anything, I am just letting go.
The storm might rage on, it might not. I might find a new beginning somewhere, I might not. It doesn't matter. What matters is the here and now just going with where ever it is this hysterical storm is taking me. I will never stop running because I love the oxygen a good run provides and so today I just thought what if I can find a way to really enjoy a 10k run? What would that take? So how about we try working towards a 10k that will leave me happy and smiling again? So what if I just try that? So today I downloaded a 10k plan for a run in january and I did my first benchmark training. In stead of shouting at myself I just went with it and even though it was only a 10 minute session and it was hard, it felt good.
So it's hard to let go and it is difficult to realise that is time to do it but it's also kind of liberating because the alternative would be clinging on to so much negativity. And there we are. Back on another adventure. A less hysterical one and I hope you'll find it in your heart to sit with me in my dingy as I let go of my oars.
That's it for now, until we read again
as always, love
Marlies
Last Sunday I ran Eindhoven, the half. Not the full. You all know I had my doubts about running a full since the summer heat but in the end that was not what tipped me in deciding against running the full. In the end I ended up having quite the scare ending up in the emergency room stuck to a heartrate monitor being probed and poked for blood. I was working from home that particular day and out of the blue I started having chest pains that I can only describe as severe and quite painful muscle cramps. I flared up and I got very naucious to the point where I literally thought IS THIS IT?! I called my husband because I was afraid my GP would think it was a heart attack and sent me to the next village where we actually have an emergency room (because my town doesn't)...let this sink in....I didn't wanna get shipped to a hospital because I was scared it was my heart which immediatly would mean the end of running season. Yep...stupid. My man got quite clear, using his manly man tone of voice ordering me to the doctor 's office and ofcourse I got shipped to the ER because my heart rate was elevated enough and some spray made the cramps go away (and got me a horrible migraine as well) After spending several hours there I was so happy it wasn't a heart attack but I tell you this too...having those cramps scared the living CRAP out of me. That same week I got tested for several other things all of m ending up fine and my physical condition is good, even strong enough to run a full but I didn't. Why not?
The weeks since this scare I have been seriously questioning a few big components that make up the puzzle of me. One of them is my very competative character. I simply can't be happy with a passing grade. I need everything on their best ever. Be the best always and that means it's never enough, I'm not fast enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not good enough....I'm a loser simply because I can never match whatever impossible standard I like to set for myself. I have this ridiculous craving for more. Always more. Not towards others, nope. Just me. I can't stand it that I'm not as skinny as those endurance / trail runners that seem to tackle any distance over 40km like it's a walk through the park. I'm crushed each time I run a race over 10km/hr and I simply hate each and every picture taken of me in running gear. My ass is too big, my face is too puffy, my head is too red and I'm a giant compared to all other runners around me. I stick out and I can't hide.
So back to why I didn't run a full...Well because of the pain that involved that scare I decided against running a full figuring I'm not that big-a-fool and that obviously freed up a lot of personal time. Great right? Time to exhale? Na-ah...because than my work addicted brain picked up on the extra hours and immediatly swooped in staking claim on m. So in stead of trying to calm down, in stead of listening to my body screaming for some much needed down-time, in stead of seeing the lesson I started hiding in work. Making up excuses for doing so, perfecting each and every endavour and raging like a screaming bangee when I didn't meet my own set goals. It worked for a little while until my happy little ship struck a rock (oh what shock) and I got thrown out of the vessel with a little dingy and someone shouting over the storm if I wanted to follow the ship that had already set sail. Fading away I watched the ship move away from me and now I have nowhere to hide. I can't bury myself and I can't run away. I am out in the open on a small dingy surrounded by sharks with each and every wave smashing my moral. I am struggling and I am all alone on that angry ocean that wants to kill me.
So now I am thinking...What if having my competative type personality has gotten me as far as it did but is now turning against me? what would happen if I just let go? Let my oars be taken by the storm, let the dingy drift on the roaring waves and just sit there. What would happen? Now before you start answering that question for me let me just stop you there. I don't have the answers and right now I don't believe I need them. I need to just calm down and learn to surrender to the flow. I want to be able to focus on all the things that did work out and I want to be gratefull for the beacons that have helped me come to this point. Because getting here has been quite an adventure and I learned so much. I learned that I'm not a survivor but a warrior. I learned that I can get through discomfort and real pain and win. I learned that I'm surrounded by the best of humans that love me no matter how much I don't love me, I learned to never listen to nay-sayers and proof m wrong each and every time. That is what my competitave piece of the puzzle has gotten me and I want to be grateful and let her go. I need to let her go because she is hurting me, she is pushing me down trying to kick herself out of the water. I need another route but the storm is raging now. What if I decide that I don't have to? What if I decide to let the storm rage with me in it, come what may? What if I just find the silence and start over? What if?
You know what? It is time and I am letting go and no I don't have any answers, no I don't have a plan and yes I am scared. Wouldn't you be if you were left to your own devices out on a stormy sea on a killing spree? Well I am. The storm might knock in the water with the sharks and than it might just not. I don't know. For now my road will no longer take me to full marathon training, my max will be half of that and just because I need my head cleared of the negative squatters occupying it, I am taking up yoga again. This vessel I call body is mine in all it's imperfections and I need to just let her be. She has enough life scars on her, I don't need to add to them anymore. My mind has been bombed with crushing thoughts and self distructive ideas for so long it might take generations to restore whatever is left so I am not reorganizing, refurbishing or redoing anything because the foundations are flawed and damaged. Not redoing anything, I am just letting go.
The storm might rage on, it might not. I might find a new beginning somewhere, I might not. It doesn't matter. What matters is the here and now just going with where ever it is this hysterical storm is taking me. I will never stop running because I love the oxygen a good run provides and so today I just thought what if I can find a way to really enjoy a 10k run? What would that take? So how about we try working towards a 10k that will leave me happy and smiling again? So what if I just try that? So today I downloaded a 10k plan for a run in january and I did my first benchmark training. In stead of shouting at myself I just went with it and even though it was only a 10 minute session and it was hard, it felt good.
So it's hard to let go and it is difficult to realise that is time to do it but it's also kind of liberating because the alternative would be clinging on to so much negativity. And there we are. Back on another adventure. A less hysterical one and I hope you'll find it in your heart to sit with me in my dingy as I let go of my oars.
That's it for now, until we read again
as always, love
Marlies
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