Hi y'all,
On this day 25 weeks from now I will have crossed the finish line in the big apple. On this day 25 weeks from now another box can be checked from my bucket list. On this day 25 weeks from now I will have seen all the 5 buroughs and I will end my full marathon days. On this day 25 weeks from now another impossible will turn out to not be impossible at all....just 25 more weeks from now, that is if life has returned to what we used to call normal. Can we be sure of that? No not at all. Will I still stick to what I promised to do? Yes. So this morning I realized that the number on the scale once again does not match my goal and 25 weeks???
Look I won't lie to you. It is not at all as bad as it was the first time around. We are talking a few kilo's not a massive near 30 that need to be dropped but...still mapping it out is a scary undertaking for me. Why? because ...My name is Marlies and I'm an anorexic.
If you'd see me now you probably think that I am overreacting because I'm nothing like the very skinny girls you see when we talk about anorexia but...My lowest point ever was at 66 kilo's. I didn't menstruate anymore and I lied about eating all the time. My basic food intake over an entire day consisted off about 200 ml of non fat yoghurt, 1 portion of saltines, 1 apple and if I did eat dinner at all it was about three bites but half the time I didn't eat dinner. I did get diagnosed and I went to the most renowned clinic in Amsterdam and got the help I needed. Not when I was at my lowest but way later when I finally had to courage to say that I needed help because I had a problem with what I back than thought was food. We're talking May 2015. I was 42 years old. Obviously it was not the food. It was the fact that I grew up learning to think of myself as fat simply because I had nobody telling me that I wasn't. If anything I learned that I indeed was fat and needed to lose weight. I learned I had ugly straight legs without form and I learned that I was but a grey mouse that would never achieve a university degree. So yeah...I learned that I was fat, stupid and ugly. So I started writing down my daily food intake since I turned 14 and I read up on pro anna and the tips to puke and laxatate.
This for some might be very revealing and difficult to read but it is what it is and I'm chosing to walk into the light and be open about it. In running many men and women have eating disorders, it appears to be part of endurance sports. Now one thing I really wanna make clear here is that anorexia is not gone when the number on the scale goes back up. Anorexia is a scar, it's an addiction, it is a way of being in control of any situation. So with that in mind remember that you can NOT tell by the way someone looks now. Because you know what? You can't look inside their brain.
So losing weight for me is not about dropping the number on the scale. You see that is easy to do for me. If anything losing that number is all about sticking to just that and staying in touch a lot with my beautiful husband about all of this. I hurt him back then and I hurt my sister. I don't ever want to do that again. They are actually the only two people that truely know what was going on and I am so grateful that my beautiful man and my sister stuck by my side all the way.
So yes I'm back on the scale to lose a few kilo's but ... I am a good looking, smart, independent woman at a healthy weight. Dropping the number for me has everything to do with lowering the changes of injury, being able to go the extra mile in less pain and by doing so increasing the fun I have when I'm out running. I can do this even though it scares the crap out of me. Not eating to a certain point gives you absolute control until you realize anorexia is in control and you are not. That is why I'm scared of dropping the number. A lot.
So once again I drew up a chart with a max weight and a danger zone minimum weight. I know exactly how to get there in a healthy way and I will. I'm communicating openly and I'm writing this so you all know what training for a full marathon means for me. It is so much more than just the miles. I'm in an OK place right now body image wise (well most of the time) and fit level wise I'm in the OK zone too (if weren't for the stupid blisters I would have run a 10 miler today).
On this day 25 weeks from now this will all be over, I truely hope you'll tag along until than and if you have any good ideas on healthy fruits/veggies/salads etc on the go feel free to leave me a comment. I love y'all, be good and take care of eachother and go for a run or work-out. stay safe.
That's it for now, until we read again
as always
love Marlies
On this day 25 weeks from now I will have crossed the finish line in the big apple. On this day 25 weeks from now another box can be checked from my bucket list. On this day 25 weeks from now I will have seen all the 5 buroughs and I will end my full marathon days. On this day 25 weeks from now another impossible will turn out to not be impossible at all....just 25 more weeks from now, that is if life has returned to what we used to call normal. Can we be sure of that? No not at all. Will I still stick to what I promised to do? Yes. So this morning I realized that the number on the scale once again does not match my goal and 25 weeks???
Look I won't lie to you. It is not at all as bad as it was the first time around. We are talking a few kilo's not a massive near 30 that need to be dropped but...still mapping it out is a scary undertaking for me. Why? because ...My name is Marlies and I'm an anorexic.
If you'd see me now you probably think that I am overreacting because I'm nothing like the very skinny girls you see when we talk about anorexia but...My lowest point ever was at 66 kilo's. I didn't menstruate anymore and I lied about eating all the time. My basic food intake over an entire day consisted off about 200 ml of non fat yoghurt, 1 portion of saltines, 1 apple and if I did eat dinner at all it was about three bites but half the time I didn't eat dinner. I did get diagnosed and I went to the most renowned clinic in Amsterdam and got the help I needed. Not when I was at my lowest but way later when I finally had to courage to say that I needed help because I had a problem with what I back than thought was food. We're talking May 2015. I was 42 years old. Obviously it was not the food. It was the fact that I grew up learning to think of myself as fat simply because I had nobody telling me that I wasn't. If anything I learned that I indeed was fat and needed to lose weight. I learned I had ugly straight legs without form and I learned that I was but a grey mouse that would never achieve a university degree. So yeah...I learned that I was fat, stupid and ugly. So I started writing down my daily food intake since I turned 14 and I read up on pro anna and the tips to puke and laxatate.
This for some might be very revealing and difficult to read but it is what it is and I'm chosing to walk into the light and be open about it. In running many men and women have eating disorders, it appears to be part of endurance sports. Now one thing I really wanna make clear here is that anorexia is not gone when the number on the scale goes back up. Anorexia is a scar, it's an addiction, it is a way of being in control of any situation. So with that in mind remember that you can NOT tell by the way someone looks now. Because you know what? You can't look inside their brain.
So losing weight for me is not about dropping the number on the scale. You see that is easy to do for me. If anything losing that number is all about sticking to just that and staying in touch a lot with my beautiful husband about all of this. I hurt him back then and I hurt my sister. I don't ever want to do that again. They are actually the only two people that truely know what was going on and I am so grateful that my beautiful man and my sister stuck by my side all the way.
So yes I'm back on the scale to lose a few kilo's but ... I am a good looking, smart, independent woman at a healthy weight. Dropping the number for me has everything to do with lowering the changes of injury, being able to go the extra mile in less pain and by doing so increasing the fun I have when I'm out running. I can do this even though it scares the crap out of me. Not eating to a certain point gives you absolute control until you realize anorexia is in control and you are not. That is why I'm scared of dropping the number. A lot.
So once again I drew up a chart with a max weight and a danger zone minimum weight. I know exactly how to get there in a healthy way and I will. I'm communicating openly and I'm writing this so you all know what training for a full marathon means for me. It is so much more than just the miles. I'm in an OK place right now body image wise (well most of the time) and fit level wise I'm in the OK zone too (if weren't for the stupid blisters I would have run a 10 miler today).
On this day 25 weeks from now this will all be over, I truely hope you'll tag along until than and if you have any good ideas on healthy fruits/veggies/salads etc on the go feel free to leave me a comment. I love y'all, be good and take care of eachother and go for a run or work-out. stay safe.
That's it for now, until we read again
as always
love Marlies
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