Hi y'all
What a rollercoaster ride life can be. One minute you're embarking on the year to end all big and epic challenges and the next a deadly virus strikes the earth and changes everything. Everything you ever took for granted somehow seems to dissipate into sheer oblivion and you can't be sure if anything will ever be the same again. How is that for a dramatic opening of another blogpost on my way to NYC....
Oh wait a minute....NYC marathon, the 50th edition, the one I was supposed to run for charity...that one...Oh yeah...that deadly virus sweeping the earth like hell hath nu fury? Well...it took care of all of my fears of not being able to pull it off both physically and fundraising-wise because that virus just made sure my Big Apple Marathon got cancelled. So how do I feel about that? Hmmmm pretty sure you can guess the level of my disappointment. But honestly I would have been overwhelmed with fear ....no....anxiety if that same marathon would have happened in the city that is now more than ever facing a crisis of epic proportion. The city that always bounces back, the city that feels so familiar to most of us and the city that sweeps me off of my feet and that grounds me, humbles me and leaves me crying everytime I say goodbye to it. That city is in pain and it's aweful. So feeling sad and disappointed about running the 50th at this time feels ...honestly?... twisted. Literally I can't wrap my mind around the enormity of the feels sweeping over me.
The runner inside me, my a-type, red personality stepped in after one night of feeling powerless and sad and came up with a plan to turn all of those emotions into something more constructive guiding me towards achieving my goals which are now both set do be done in 2021. And to tell you the truth it is a solid plan even if I do say so myself. However....in all of it's practicality and succesrate likelyness it lacks one ingrediënt I more and more need but yet seem unable to attain and it is compassion. Compassion for oneself, me in this case, but more importantly so...others.
Somehow I feel uneasy with the notion that me feeling compassion for the person that hurts my feelings un-or-intentionally will help me communicate better and with that help me understand myself better. Honestly? I have had my feelings stumped on, trashed, gutted, thrown in the air and doing all of that all over again more times than I care to remember and each and every time the people stomping all over my personal space were the ones telling me that I was what was wrong in the entire picture and it is tiresome.
My athletes heart is breaking because at some point I want to feel better about the relationships I have in my life with my family and even with friends and I want to be able to get more in touch with what is really going on that is upsetting to me in specific situations but on the other hand I don't want my personal boundries to be violated anymore either because you see....in all of my epic directness and akwardness in dealing with emotions, be that my own or those of others, I am a person and somehow the compassion thought seems a one way street. The way in which you are always the flawed one and you have to change in order for the other to be able to understand you or you yourself. And in all of it non-judgemental approach it feels very judgemental to me. It's twisted.
In running non of these things seem twisted to me, Running is honest and clear and in running there is always space, love and understanding. The needs of a runner are clear. When a runner crosses a finish line without that spark, that smile, that unmistakenable victors look you just let that runner have their moment in quiet. You don't come running offering advice or anything else. You let quiet and space take care of the feels, you don't go tell that runner how it makes you feel that they ignored you because you know what? It simply isn't about you. In running if a runner enters the day before a big race and they feel inadequate and lash out you don't go tell them how that makes you feel. You sit in quiet and establish how you would feel a day before a big race and you'll let them have their moment. In running if a runner is very proud of their result and they want to talk about it all day long you don't go tell them that you are very happy for them and it makes you feel proud that they feel safe enough to share that with you but that you really need some time for something else and could they please take your time more seriously. No you just don't. You let them have their victory. Why? Because in all that is running, if a runner wants you to be there it means there is trust and loyality and in running I do understand compassion. At least towards other runners, not always towards myself but hey live and learn right?
All in all in running I understand compassion. In running I do. In real life? Not so much. So what now? How do I take what I've learned in running to real life? Should I really do it? Vulnarability gets you injured in real life. Trying to understand why the crocodile ends up killing the rabbit when it carries it across the river is futile. The crocodile can not help himself, he is a crocodile. Trying to understand why a mysogenystic man wants to put a woman in her place is like trying to understand the crocodile. Trying to understand why someone catcalls you because you run in shorts and a tanktop is like trying to understand the crocodile. And it makes me wonder.....Why should I want to understand the crocodile? Why does compassion in real life feel unstable, unclear and very very very unsafe? Is it because the people preaching compassion are in fact the crocodiles carrying you accross the river or am I just too scarred and damaged to really get in touch with my gut feeling?
Anyway....running is easy. Real life isn't.
That's it for now, until we read again
as always, love Marlies
What a rollercoaster ride life can be. One minute you're embarking on the year to end all big and epic challenges and the next a deadly virus strikes the earth and changes everything. Everything you ever took for granted somehow seems to dissipate into sheer oblivion and you can't be sure if anything will ever be the same again. How is that for a dramatic opening of another blogpost on my way to NYC....
Oh wait a minute....NYC marathon, the 50th edition, the one I was supposed to run for charity...that one...Oh yeah...that deadly virus sweeping the earth like hell hath nu fury? Well...it took care of all of my fears of not being able to pull it off both physically and fundraising-wise because that virus just made sure my Big Apple Marathon got cancelled. So how do I feel about that? Hmmmm pretty sure you can guess the level of my disappointment. But honestly I would have been overwhelmed with fear ....no....anxiety if that same marathon would have happened in the city that is now more than ever facing a crisis of epic proportion. The city that always bounces back, the city that feels so familiar to most of us and the city that sweeps me off of my feet and that grounds me, humbles me and leaves me crying everytime I say goodbye to it. That city is in pain and it's aweful. So feeling sad and disappointed about running the 50th at this time feels ...honestly?... twisted. Literally I can't wrap my mind around the enormity of the feels sweeping over me.
The runner inside me, my a-type, red personality stepped in after one night of feeling powerless and sad and came up with a plan to turn all of those emotions into something more constructive guiding me towards achieving my goals which are now both set do be done in 2021. And to tell you the truth it is a solid plan even if I do say so myself. However....in all of it's practicality and succesrate likelyness it lacks one ingrediënt I more and more need but yet seem unable to attain and it is compassion. Compassion for oneself, me in this case, but more importantly so...others.
Somehow I feel uneasy with the notion that me feeling compassion for the person that hurts my feelings un-or-intentionally will help me communicate better and with that help me understand myself better. Honestly? I have had my feelings stumped on, trashed, gutted, thrown in the air and doing all of that all over again more times than I care to remember and each and every time the people stomping all over my personal space were the ones telling me that I was what was wrong in the entire picture and it is tiresome.
My athletes heart is breaking because at some point I want to feel better about the relationships I have in my life with my family and even with friends and I want to be able to get more in touch with what is really going on that is upsetting to me in specific situations but on the other hand I don't want my personal boundries to be violated anymore either because you see....in all of my epic directness and akwardness in dealing with emotions, be that my own or those of others, I am a person and somehow the compassion thought seems a one way street. The way in which you are always the flawed one and you have to change in order for the other to be able to understand you or you yourself. And in all of it non-judgemental approach it feels very judgemental to me. It's twisted.
In running non of these things seem twisted to me, Running is honest and clear and in running there is always space, love and understanding. The needs of a runner are clear. When a runner crosses a finish line without that spark, that smile, that unmistakenable victors look you just let that runner have their moment in quiet. You don't come running offering advice or anything else. You let quiet and space take care of the feels, you don't go tell that runner how it makes you feel that they ignored you because you know what? It simply isn't about you. In running if a runner enters the day before a big race and they feel inadequate and lash out you don't go tell them how that makes you feel. You sit in quiet and establish how you would feel a day before a big race and you'll let them have their moment. In running if a runner is very proud of their result and they want to talk about it all day long you don't go tell them that you are very happy for them and it makes you feel proud that they feel safe enough to share that with you but that you really need some time for something else and could they please take your time more seriously. No you just don't. You let them have their victory. Why? Because in all that is running, if a runner wants you to be there it means there is trust and loyality and in running I do understand compassion. At least towards other runners, not always towards myself but hey live and learn right?
All in all in running I understand compassion. In running I do. In real life? Not so much. So what now? How do I take what I've learned in running to real life? Should I really do it? Vulnarability gets you injured in real life. Trying to understand why the crocodile ends up killing the rabbit when it carries it across the river is futile. The crocodile can not help himself, he is a crocodile. Trying to understand why a mysogenystic man wants to put a woman in her place is like trying to understand the crocodile. Trying to understand why someone catcalls you because you run in shorts and a tanktop is like trying to understand the crocodile. And it makes me wonder.....Why should I want to understand the crocodile? Why does compassion in real life feel unstable, unclear and very very very unsafe? Is it because the people preaching compassion are in fact the crocodiles carrying you accross the river or am I just too scarred and damaged to really get in touch with my gut feeling?
Anyway....running is easy. Real life isn't.
That's it for now, until we read again
as always, love Marlies
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